Ship Shape: Not a Good Thing

Return to Blog

Posted: 1/15/2016 1:07:25 PM

If you read my blog regularly (and let’s face it, who doesn’t?), you know that I chose to enjoy a cruise over watching the Super Bowl.  This was not a difficult choice. Set apart the cheating, name-calling, unnecessary injuries, a film about how money is more important than people, and the fact that our Florida teams didn’t show, Super Bowl is unhealthy.

They claim the average American consumed more than 6,000 calories on Super Bowl Sunday. In this case, the “they” were researchers from Cornell University. In most cases, I’d tell you not worry; Cornell is up north and the one thing that the War of Northern Aggression taught us is that you can’t trust those carpetbaggers. However, in this particular instance, the Yankees seem to be telling the truth. 

During the Super Bowl, we eat lots of cheese. Ounce for ounce, cheese is fat, and the nachos, pizzas, tacos, cheeseburgers, fried cheese, Cheez-Its, and those little puffy and curly things are cheese.  Even cheesecake, which features the word so prominently in its name, that it shouldn’t actually contain any cheese…is filled with cheesy fat.

Carbs are in abundance, too.  You don’t need to hear about them.  You know what they are.  They’re the enemy! Carbs are to my waistline as ISIS, the IRS and the kid who used to take my lunch money on the school playground, are to me.

So, this year, I skipped The Big Game.  Instead, I headed to sea.  Back to nature is my nature.  Give me the dolphins and flying fish visible from my postage stamp balcony, and I am in my element. 

While I enjoy the sea life make its way past my vantage point on the port side, I think to myself, “Self!” (Because that is what I call me.) “Let’s have a snack!” And it was on.

I started with the stuff I knew would be good for me; celery with ‘just a little’ ranch dressing dip. Of course, how bad could some hummus on thin bread be? And those cookies that they bring you in your cabin everyday?  Certainly, those can’t be THAT many calories, could they? Ahhh, I’ll walk off those cookies when I run around the ship tomorrow morning.

Did I mention that dinner is good on cruise ships? Well, it is. As much steak, lobster, lasagna, pizza, baked Alaska, bananas foster and rolls…yes, the hot rolls are very yummy, as you’d like.  The key is just to eat these in moderation.  Everything in moderation and walking around those Caribbean islands will far outweigh anything I can eat, right? Breakfast, lunch and snacks are also mandatory on a cruise.  If you don’t eat every offering, the crew looks like they have disappointed you and becomes so morose, that you worry they might forget to send money home to their 17 children in whatever far off land they call home.

On about Day Five of the 7-day cruise, four days after the Big Game’s unhealthy 6000 calorie gluttony spree had come and gone, I got out of the shower one morning, wrapped a towel around my waist, and noticed that Housekeeping had placed a hand towel where the bath towels should have been.

Then, I went to the closet to take out the jeans that I had dry cleaned and pressed the day before I left on vacation.  Can you imagine?!? The dry cleaner shrank my jeans! Really?  Could this vacation get any worse? I hit the pool bar to enjoy a couple of pina coladas to drown my sorrows. Maybe later, it was frozen strawberry daiquiris with whip on top. I don’t remember. The fruity beverages made me forget about my terrible dry cleaner experience.

As the cruise came to an end, I was eager to get home and jump on the bathroom scale to find out how much weight I had lost with all that island walking.

That’s when the vacation got worse.

By this time next year, I’ll be back down to fighting weight.  Rest assured, NFL, I’ll be back in front of my TV because my health is important to me. 

Please pass the gluten-free bread and yogurt. Thanks.