A friend of mine is really a huge NFL fan. Don’t get me wrong; I like watching a good football game as much as anyone, but this year’s Deflategate scandal, Johnny Manziel’s crash and burn, and the terrible officiating that dominated the season has me thinking about other things.
In fact, I am so done with the upcoming championship series (After all, there are no FL teams in the mix), that I’ve decided to boycott “The Big Game.”
Sorry, Commissioner Goodell, I won’t be in attendance in front of my Big Screen during the first weekend in February. There won’t be any Barry Broudy in the television audience to laugh at the inane Internet start-up spots, nor shall I shed a tear when the Clydesdales do something unbearably sentimental. Instead, I’ll wait for the online reviews and the YouTube videos. You see, that day, I plan to enjoy spectacular vodka over ice while I gaze upon an uncharted Caribbean island. However, I do reserve the right to alter my plan to include a fruity drink, maybe with a paper umbrella in it, made by a robot bartender. That choice is mine, and even the NFL, with all of your lawyers, intellectual property specialists and big dollar deals, can’t take it away from me. Yes, sir! I am as free to do whatever I want on Super Bowl Sunday, just like a Jacksonville Jaguar. They’ll watch from the beach, too.
Remember the song, By the Time I Get to Phoenix?” Glen Campbell imagined what his significant other would be doing as he reached each far flung city he visited on his way to a new life without her. It was melancholy and sad.
Fahgeddaboudit! With due respect to writer Jimmy Webb and his buddy Glen, here’s my version to the same melody:
By the time I’m on the cruise ship, they’ll be starting
They’ll find that their ratings are down by one.
Goodell won’t care that Barry Broudy’s missing
‘Cause Rog made his billion bucks and he’s almost done.
By the time I drink my first vodka it might be half-time
Coldplay will be on stage singing their song.
Beyoncé’s wardrobe function will be on You Tube
I’ll watch there, no cares.
By the time they give the trophy I’ll be eatin’
Lobster, prime rib and cherries jubilee.
And they’ll analyze the game like I was watchin’
Tho’ time and time I tried to tell them sooooo
They just didn’t know…. I would really go.